One of the
hardest things to do in life is to forgive someone who really hurt you in the
worst way. Often people want to forgive, but can’t let go of the anger, the
thought of revenge, or the bitter memory of the offense. There is so much
advice available regarding forgiveness. People counsel you to confront the
person, do it without confronting the person, keep a journal, put yourself in
the offender’s shoes, be empathetic, talk to someone, forgive yourself for
whatever role you played, protect yourself from further hurt by severing the
relationship, and most importantly let it
go. Bingo! The magic words: “let it
go.” I remember when someone I loved dearly broke my heart.
part was letting it go, until I truly understood what I had to let go. I kept
reliving what happen over and over and each time I did I was wrapping a chain
around my own mind. I kept thinking about what the person did, which kept me in
the past. I kept thinking about how I wanted them to see the error of their
ways, which kept me longing for something that wasn’t going to happen. I kept
thinking about what I wanted to do to them so they would feel what I was
feeling, which continue to fill my heart with anger, vengeance, and bitterness.
The more I held onto unforgiveness and all its emotional trappings, the less freedom
The pain was the biggest culprit for me in the journey toward
forgiveness, but I knew if I continued to hold on to the pain its whole purpose
was to defeat my freedom to fully live. Like watching an old video my mind kept
pushing PLAY over and over again. Pushing PLAY made me relive the incident and
the PAIN each time. One day I picked up the Good Book and discovered God’s
forgiveness for me. My empathy was
released. I cried like a baby, because I was not deserving of such grace
and love. My pain was released. And
like a bird in a cage, I was set free. My
personal power was released. The chains were finally off!
There is no
magical way to forgive and it varies from person to person. However, I found
supernatural help and a miracle in the Good Book that healed my unforgiving heart…
maybe you can too. “You will know the
truth, and the truth will MAKE you free” (John 8:32).
a lengthy discussion with a young man, I decided to ponder this question: Is there a problem with black women and
young man understood that “all” black women do not have bad attitudes, and it
is only a myth.
was concerned about the ones –in his generation - that do have bad attitudes. He
believed bad attitudes described the majority of black women in the
suggested he broaden his experience with black women, he said I was from a
different generation. So let’s talk a minute about his concern.
important to note that relationships are in trouble in all races and women with
bad attitudes are not race-specific.
black women have a reputation or are gaining a reputation - particularly
among young men - and are stereotyped for
their “bad attitudes.”
my research, I distracted several reasons why bad
attitudes may exist among some black women:
an appropriate Male role model
They always have
to carry the load of responsibility
Learned it from
old moody or basically negative
alone to make it in the world on her own
like women with bad attitudes
Is used to being
Likes to be in control
or no respect for men or their relationship abilities
This list is not exhaustive or for a woman to collect
excuses, but to use as gauge for understanding some of the origins of bad attitudes.
One psychological scenario or theory I found particularly interesting
is when a woman does not have a proper male role model that protects her,
affirms her, and makes her feel safe; it causes her to incorporate her own male
persona into her personality.
Many men have complained that when they are
fighting or interacting with this kind of women it is like fighting another
So that male
persona is reflected in the way she gets in your face, cusses you out, twists
her neck, shows her testosterone anger, is willing to physically fight you, or
goes off at a drop of a dime, or wants to control the relationship.
While it is true, that any women with a bad attitude
will ultimately sabotage her relationships. Sabotaging relationships will
either make a woman’s attitude worst or make her examine herself.
Destructive relationship patterns are just that: destructive.
Each person in a relationship, man or woman, will need
to examine their own thinking patterns, emotional patterns, and behavior
patterns that are threatening their relational happiness and then, do whatever it
takes to defeat those negative forces.
Though this applies to all women - I’m speaking to the
black woman who may relate to this complaint. It may be helpful if you examine
yourself and see the negative impact you might be bringing to the table.
This is not to blame all relationship mishaps on you,
but it is for you to examine your role
only. Our attitudes are “one” of the main reasons we attract certain people
to us or repel them from us.
In conclusion, some black women are comfortable where
they are and do not agree with men who complain about their bad attitudes.
This, of course, is their prerogative.
I only wanted you to know, that black men are
complaining and men of other races are concerned about black women’s attitudes.
While they are not looking for perfection - they are
looking for someone who is - at least - willing to evolve.
Changing one’s perspective means you have to consider
that you may have blind spots in your relationship framework that adversely
affect your attitude.
Remember this: A
bad attitude is not a diagnosis; it is a choice.