Thursday, January 16, 2014

Pensacola's Pearl of Wisdom: Black Women and Bad Attitudes

After having a lengthy discussion with a young man, I decided to ponder this question: Is there a problem with black women and their attitudes?

Now the young man understood that “all” black women do not have bad attitudes, and it is only a myth. 

However, he was concerned about the ones –in his generation - that do have bad attitudes. He believed bad attitudes described the majority of black women in the twenty-first century.

Though I suggested he broaden his experience with black women, he said I was from a different generation. So let’s talk a minute about his concern.

 It is important to note that relationships are in trouble in all races and women with bad attitudes are not race-specific.
However, black women have a reputation or are gaining a reputation - particularly among young men - and are stereotyped for their “bad attitudes.” 

After doing my research, I distracted several reasons why bad attitudes may exist among some black women:

Past relationships
Past hurts
It’s generational
Not having an appropriate Male role model
They always have to carry the load of responsibility
Learned it from other women
Just plain old moody or basically negative
Was left alone to make it in the world on her own
Believe men like women with bad attitudes
Is used to being in control
Likes to be in control
Have little or no respect for men or their relationship abilities
Wrong expectations
Lack of relationship skills

This list is not exhaustive or for a woman to collect excuses, but to use as gauge for understanding some of the origins of bad attitudes.

One psychological scenario or theory I found particularly interesting is when a woman does not have a proper male role model that protects her, affirms her, and makes her feel safe; it causes her to incorporate her own male persona into her personality.

Many men have complained that when they are fighting or interacting with this kind of women it is like fighting another man.

 So that male persona is reflected in the way she gets in your face, cusses you out, twists her neck, shows her testosterone anger, is willing to physically fight you, or goes off at a drop of a dime, or wants to control the relationship.

While it is true, that any women with a bad attitude will ultimately sabotage her relationships. Sabotaging relationships will either make a woman’s attitude worst or make her examine herself.

Destructive relationship patterns are just that: destructive.

Each person in a relationship, man or woman, will need to examine their own thinking patterns, emotional patterns, and behavior patterns that are threatening their relational happiness and then, do whatever it takes to defeat those negative forces.

Though this applies to all women - I’m speaking to the black woman who may relate to this complaint. It may be helpful if you examine yourself and see the negative impact you might be bringing to the table.

This is not to blame all relationship mishaps on you, but it is for you to examine your role only. Our attitudes are “one” of the main reasons we attract certain people to us or repel them from us.

In conclusion, some black women are comfortable where they are and do not agree with men who complain about their bad attitudes. This, of course, is their prerogative.

I only wanted you to know, that black men are complaining and men of other races are concerned about black women’s attitudes.

While they are not looking for perfection - they are looking for someone who is - at least - willing to evolve.

Changing one’s perspective means you have to consider that you may have blind spots in your relationship framework that adversely affect your attitude.

 Remember this: A bad attitude is not a diagnosis; it is a choice.

Pensacola Helene